so it was my birthday 2 days ago... [23 Feb 2009|11:33am] [ mood | touched ] I would say that the past 2 days have been quite an emotional conflict. Happiness from getting wishes frm people I didn't expect, and not getting wishes frm people I expected. Expectations, its such a dangerous thing, had a good talk with my siblings some time ago about it. Well for me it was just something I've gotten used to and gotten over every time, because I always think that I can never really do my best to deserve something. But not expecting reciprocation is one thing, not being appreciated is another. I've always thought that I don't have a problem with either, unlike some people I know, because truthfully I don't really care. But I guess these painful little things do add up, and the breakdown can be quite disturbing. Thank you Amir my love, for being there for me when it happened. But as always, I've gotten over it again, just another emo outburst that sounds kinda childish when I think about it again. On a happier note, thank you to all who did wish for my happiness, advanced, on time or belated. Thanks to those who did not too, for reminding me how much more I have to do to make an impression of myself and an impact on the world. I guess I've been influenced much by all those past the 21 mark who say that crossing that line doesnt really feel like it makes a difference. Well I guess if you did stop on the line and look at every direction to reflect, you would realise that a difference of one step can be a whole change of perception of the past, present and future. Then again, wasn't really the first time its happened. Just that its a good reminder, and everyone needs reminders. Comments: 2 dreams - close your eyes.

Does the cold wind blow away your spirit too? [17 Jan 2009|10:21pm] It's too easy to get emotional these days. We all know why. If only you knew oh Gaza just how people cry for you. 'cos love keeps as alive.. alive.. alive.. Comments: close your eyes.

flour and arabica beans [06 May 2008|10:16am] [ mood | full ] Lovely morning, the sun bright and hot, kids in the school nearby noisily having recess, oh its mundane. Well its not, with macdonalds breakfast, very random because i wouldnt have liked to waste time dressing up and going out just for hotcakes and coffee. But i thought about it when i woke up, is it random anymore? This isn't a random thought process, the very thought of writing about a random thought already occured on the way home, but if i hadnt decided for macs would i still think the same? It was never about macs. I just discovered that the butterfly effect really isnt about the butterfly. Well i've been selfish and keeping discoveries to myself, but the more you stay in, the more self-absorbed you become. But who would understand? Does it matter, let them pretend they do. Then share. About life. Perched on the verge of chaos. But it already is, each cycle of ups and downs a fractal of that same life. Let's break up everything then, and solve each one on its own. Oh but i wouldnt want to eat flour, and eggs, and sugar, and coffee beans and water. When did it become hotcakes and cappucino? Thats why life is so beautiful, that you dont know at which point of time it becomes beautiful. Twenty years, two months, two weeks, one day, one hour, and God, you still amaze me at the most unwonderous moments. Comments: 2 dreams - close your eyes.

exams! [30 Apr 2008|12:31am] three days, four papers down. one left, open book, long time to study. awesome or what. its the end of freshman year. amazing or what. Comments: close your eyes.

just when i thought that there's no cause for celebration... [21 Feb 2008|11:58pm] i got the best gift ever, the news that i've a new cousin born on the same day as i am. can't wait to see the baby girl! happy birthday to us. Comments: 2 dreams - close your eyes.

missing a letter between the e and the g [16 Feb 2008|02:06am] Sometimes the peace that you need doesnt come with the cool breeze by the sea, nor by the aroma made by roses daisies and grass, and not by the warmth in a hug, nor by the endless blue sky or stars that shine in the dark, and you still can't hear it in the music or taste it in the most delicious chocolate, not even within quiet mangrove trees or hilltop views, or even the calm and quiet a distance away with noone around. Because that's happiness. Peace, is when you hurt someone that it hurts you so much, and in the storm's eye, things start to come together. Comments: close your eyes.

still living and still forgetting. [03 Jan 2008|09:14pm] It was just His way of telling me i need to go back to Him. And that's my resolution. Comments: 1 dream - close your eyes.

short and simple. [13 Oct 2007|08:52am] okay to everyone.. Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin. Happy Eidulfitri and may we not forget those in need of happiness on this joyous occasion. Happy, yes i am. but somehow there's just some kind of emptiness this year. The feeling of not achieving enough to be blessed with this day. Comments: close your eyes.

deep feelings//feeling deep [09 Sep 2007|12:58am] "The day when someone figures you out...that will be the day." Today wasn't the day. Comments: close your eyes.

when there was me and u. [02 Sep 2007|02:32am] fairuz, rauf and mahathir just left my place. omg PRAM so semangat (: Comments: close your eyes.

of time and people [14 Aug 2007|12:04am] I was late for my first lesson of the first day of school of the first semester! Oh how cool was that. Fine it was my fault for thinking that it was at lt23 instead of lt32, but i found my way there, only 10mins late and luckily i learnt the route cos it proved to be useful later for the maths lesson at the same venue. Haha. Oh i'm so happy cos i've 2 of my platoonmates with me for maths (: and jihan too (who didnt look too good today despite it being her birthday). And i found runi! yay! And she's taking the same course, which means we'll be seeing each other a lot (: And i saw someone i didnt expect to see also. Hmm. If only the lecturer hadn't cut the maths lesson short. Then again the only thing i saw was my beautiful reflection on those huge poser glasses. Hah. I reached home earliest among my siblings today (: Sometimes it feels like i've been transported back in time. Comments: 2 dreams - close your eyes.

of i and candy [11 Aug 2007|12:51am] I saw abg faiz today! Yes as in atiqah fairuz's brother hahah. Sorry i havent seen him for a long time, so i was vv excited. Apparently he has been watching me (no la actually he just noticed) since a few fridays back, since he's woking at bishan and so goes to the mosque for fri prayers, and so sees me but i didnt see him until today only and from next week i can't come on fridays cos stupid lsm1103 lab/tut sessions are from 2-6 and i'm so very sad ): why cant they make it in the morning. Anyway, was so funny just now, he asked which uni i'm going. "nus, doing science" "oh with fairuz la" "err no fairuz is in fass" "oh...eh?" -_- Comments: close your eyes.

of firsts and indentities [10 Aug 2007|01:07am] I watched NDP@ Marina Bay! Woohoo! As in like, watched it from the seats cos we got tix so went with my siblings. We weren't very near the stage but we could see the whole view and it was good. People around us were not so enthu unlike us cos we just love singing and joking around and doing stupid things, luckily the camera wasnt near us at all. Yay for sibling bonding. We can fight hardcore but we usually have lots of fun together. Anyway the show itself wasn't as spectacular as i thought it would be, but there were really cool parts, and being there itself is great. Oh i hate all the remixed songs they sound horrible. The bag's good, you can get very creative with it, which we did, and you can turn it from a slack pouch to a school bag to a camp bag, with diff colours and everything. really nice. Yup i loved the NDP excitement. Comments: close your eyes.

fifty songs later... [23 Jul 2007|12:32pm] [ mood | chipper ] I'm still alive and well in case any of you have been wondering. As i told naf, i've been everywhere but nowhere. Anyways. I went for the nusms/pbm foc camp whatever thing last week which is the reason i'm here and typing cos i feel like its something worth writing about. Funny thing is i'm not thinking about what to write but like how to write it, maybe i should write in lengthy prose form like i used to do in sec1 but i'll get bored myself reading it, so well lets just stick to the easily digestable point form shall we. [Sudden random thought: Do you think how you write/type is the same as how you talk? I mean when you're not in the mood to talk you'll write in point forms and short sentences, but when you really want to talk there comes a whole long essay about what you had for breakfast.] okay here goes. - I didnt know my brother was camp commandant until the camp itself. Seriously. That's how much communication we have. Actually no la, I think he just didnt bother to tell me or I would think i'm a protected being or something. Or maybe i just haven't seen him around a lot before the camp cos he's been busy with the preparations and i've got my own stuff. And when we're both home we fight a lot. I think the people at camp could feel the animosity everytime we see each other. Haha. - My group rocks. No actually, we prefer ballads (ie jiwang). Haha. Oh our group name is Vega, yes Vega the vain streetfighter, or the name of a star whichever you want to see it as. Anyway, we weren't the most enthu group around, nor were we the physically strongest or smartest or what (we didnt win any challenges, my brother said we were lousy but i said we were a tight group and that was the greatest challenge of the whole camp), but we had strengths in different ways i guess. For one, the closeness and comfort level was quite amazing, there weren't any cliques within the group, everyone just kinda bonded together. We enjoy discussion and debates during dinner, at least, some of us do. From politics to muslims to malay muslims to malay to many other things that just string out one after another, i think that was one of the most enjoyable moments ever despite all the shouting and screaming (sorry about that). And we're open to one another, evident from out late-night sharing session in the lobby where we spilled stuff about ourselves that some of us probably never told anyone about. Of course at these times you feel like bashing some people up for the stupid selfish things they say, but well, you just can't fight someone who's being honest though you can challenge him to fight his own mentality. [okay, pause, i think i'm writing in prose form aren't i, so much for point form huh.] - Back to the story of my group. (oh i forgot to add, when i mention the group i mean the participants as well as facis okay) Yeah we were kind of a relaxed group, even though a certain few people among us always had much things to say, but we kind of just liked to enjoy one another's company rather than be super gung-ho about doing the stuff thrown to us. I would say we are very centered people. Haha. So on the last night after the formal dinner, which was so funny for all the things that happened during that few hours from the food to the forced volunteerism to the guys ogling at the tarian girls, we had a great night singing over fifty songs from all kinds of genres (eh i just realised we missed out one very important genre- nasyid). I think that was so cool. Like really, everyone sang their hearts out, and we had a totally great time. Quite sad that only one person had a cam which he brought out like at the last minute, nevermind, we'll picture-whore during our outing (: okay i can write so much more about the group but i have to move on. - Next, the camp itself. It was almost everything i thought it might be (oh so predictable), with the games and the meeting people i already know and meeting new people and stuff. I must say the whole idea was not bad. Had to break a code which was a running challenge throughout the camp *yawn* which was why the theme was The Vault. Overall it was just okay. Thank God for the people. - I almost forgot the dialogue session with Mr Hawazi Daipi and Mr Nawab. Oh goodness. If our own leaders can't stand on their own two feet, how do we get the whole community to do so. Lots of stuff i wanted to say, but my brother and his friend said most of what i wanted to, and they took up lots of time so i couldnt add in more stuff but thats ok, at least most of it was addressed though not satisfactorily. I still prefer our dinner debate. Much more enriching. Well i can say i'm a bit more hyped up about school, though still not there yet, some would know this very well. I don't think its about school, its just the thought of it that de-excites me. Oh well. Still got a couple more weeks to get the school mode up and running. Comments: 4 dreams - close your eyes.

important being/ being important [19 Jun 2007|11:54pm] So the President visited harmony centre yesterday. As Capt introduced us to him, he asked me "So what do you do?" And i answered "I'm a volunteer." -_- like he didnt know that! wanted to kick myself after that, that's one of the bad things about not preparing, even though i was prepared, or felt like it. Comments: 4 dreams - close your eyes.

because people complain i dont update. [21 May 2007|11:12pm] I've been happy. I mean, really happy. I had a good weekend. Watched rj drama. Talked to somebody i never thought i would talk to. Met people from places i never knew. Things seem like they're working out. But the reason i'm talking so ambiguously is because i don't want to say too much and jinx everything, it happened before so i want to keep my luck this time. Selfish, in a certain way, but i think i've been too nice. Hah. Anyway, i think i'm the first and only one i know to say this, but i'm not looking forward to school again. I'm just so comfortable where i am now. Can anyone imagine me not studying anymore? q: Comments: close your eyes.

can i just say... [04 May 2007|10:14am] i love my platoonmates. It seems like quite a lot of people are going through difficult times. Some more than others. Wouldn't it be nice if sadness can be zapped away just like that? Maybe someone should invent something for that. Oh wait its been done already, and i think its called Prozac. Anyway, to you who is going through troubled times, we're here for you. And so is God. I think we all understand that, even though our references differ. Let's keep each other in our prayers shall we (: Carry me like a fire in your heart. If a picture paints a thousand words, all the images in the world can't tell you how much i love you. Comments: close your eyes.

of points and scores, states, views [30 Apr 2007|12:00am] [ mood | tired ] I wanted to say that i was (or still am) at the lowest point in my conscious life. Conscious meaning since the time i found myself. Then something else happens and i again think i am at the lowest point, but this is even lower than before. Like digging your own grave isnt it, thinking about all these stuff about being in a bad state. So when does it end? When do you want it to end? My point is, there is really no such thing as the lowest or worst point in life. Life isnt about scoring points, using joker to get more points, having points taken off for answering wrongly and having low or high points, because having so many high points doesnt mean you've put out your best and having so many low points doesnt mean that you haven't tried hard. Wisdom will shine, it always does. May The LORD give you a Rainbow for every Storm a Smile for every Tear a Blessing for each Trial a Sweet Song for every Sigh an Answer for every Prayer I've been in the storm, cried my heart out, stood in the trial which is still not over, sighed myself breathless. And still praying, may He give me light. Comments: close your eyes.

i am not a failure. [19 Apr 2007|09:24am] feeling like a failure doesn't make you one. but if you keep thinking like that, you might as well be. Comments: close your eyes.

of love and strangers [17 Apr 2007|11:50pm] [ mood | touched ] Last sunday i met Steve. I was sitting in delifrance waiting for a friend to come, and Steve was alone reading the newspaper. Somehow our eyes met, and the first thing he said was that my peach tudung nicely matched my orange tee. So nice, i rarely get compliments for my dressing. Next thing, like any stranger would tell me, he said i look like a chinese. Okay. Then we got talking, and i realised he was close to my kind of dream guy. Intellectual, charming, but humble and nice at the same time. We kind of share the same mindsets, though his views were far broader, and somehow we just clicked like we were on the same wavelengths. Truthfully it could have been love at first sight. Then again, i always fall for the mind first, which is not a bad thing but at times its just not supposed to be that way. We exchanged contact numbers and stuff and promised to contact each other. We have actually, he sent me a really sweet message that can just make me smile for hours. I just love talking to strangers. by the way, Steve is about seventy plus. Comments: 2 dreams - close your eyes.

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